A Fourth of July Tribute to America’s “Founding Goats”
This Fourth of July, let us not forget the goats who were there during the singing of the Declaration of Independence, and who drafted their own version of this historic document, which the goats then ate because they were hungry.
From the Declaration of “Goat-dependence,” finalized on July 4, 1776:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all goats are created equal, that they are endowed by their Goat Master with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Plentiful Weeds. That to secure these rights, Farmland is instituted among Goats, deriving their just powers from the consent of the gated. That whenever any Form of Farmland becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Goats to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Field, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Goat-iness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Fields long established should not be changed for light and transient causes, such as lack of sufficient weeds, for those weeds shall certainly grow back; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that goatkind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the gating, feed pellets and playground obstacles to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and goat slaughterings, pursuing invariably the same Hunger for Weeds evinces a design to reduce them under the absolute Despotism of the Slaughterhouse, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Goat Chains, and to provide new Farmers for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of these Vibrant Goat Fields; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Goating. The history of the present King of Great Britain’s Goat Farm is a history of repeated injuries and slaughterings for meat, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these Goated Territories and the denial of freedom to frolic, baah, and eat weeds. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
May we always remember the Founding Goats, as well as the Founding Fathers, who created this great nation of ours. I ask you now to rise, put your hand to your heart, and sing the National Anthem along with this chorus of baby goats:
Introducing… THE GOAT BACKPACK®!
For millennia, goats have been at our service. If the dog is man’s best friend, the goat is our right-hand beast. Eating our weeds. Irrigating our farms. Providing us milk, meat and endless entertainment. But for too long, the goat has fallen short in one realm: carrying things. The goat doesn’t have the endurance of the camel, or the shamelessness of the mule, and so when we’ve needed to haul something — food supplies, say, or illicit substances — we’ve turned to another animal.
Want to know more? Continue reading about this modern marvel of engineering at IHeartGoatMeat.com…
The Secret Pro-Goat Message of Chris Daughtry’s Song “Home”
This video is very touching, isn’t it? I think it has a lot to do with the song. I looked it up, and it’s by the rock band Daughtry. It’s called “Home,” and it was released in 2007. A lot of people don’t know this, but I did some investigating and found it’s actually about the relationship between a man and his goat, and the power of love to bind them even when they’re up against the toughest odds. Continue reading on IHeartGoatMeat.com…
Frosty the Snow Goat is, just, wow…
I have shed many tears in my life. Tears of sadness, and tears of joy. But now my tears are all dried up, for I’ve spent them all on Frosty the Snow Goat. Watching this video is like listening to a kindly kindergarten teacher read Thomas the Tank Engine to a flock of rapt pupils, while a thousand Christmas carols — superimposed on top of each other in such a way as to make that sound perfectly and miraculously harmonious — plays in the background. This is, quite possibly, the most adorable and heart-warming thing in the universe (or at least on the Internet) right now. Go, Frosty, go!
All hail Octogoat!
NAAAAAAAAAAAANTS INGONYAAAAAAAAAMA BAGITHI BABA! The circle of life makes another round, and the animal kingdom pays heed. Birds hitch a ride on elephants’ tusks. Zebras splash through the water. Giraffes take to the dusty savannah with their cute giraffe children in tow. All arrive at the bottom of a great cliff, craning their necks up to pay witness to the coronation of the new Goat King.
Potential usurpers may scoff, but their schemes will fail. For this is no average four-legged sovereign. Many goats have ruled the lands with strength, benevolence and a hunger for bushy weeds. But our new leader brings all that and more. It has double the strength. Double the benevolence. Double the hunger. And double the legs. For it is Octogoat, Crown of Eight Continents, Possessor of Eight Legs.
Now walk, my beautiful octoped. Walk ever forward in time, so that you may rule us all with your mischievous heart, rectangular pupils, double genitalia, and, of course, your eight legs. All hail Octogoat!
[Via Huffington Post]
Opinion: Smuggling Cocaine in Goat Meat is a Waste of Perfectly Good Goat Meat
You can smuggle drugs through underground tunnels. You can smuggle them in your crotch. Hell, you can smuggle them in children’s dolls for all I care. But when you use perfectly good goat meat to smuggle your cocaine, that is going one step too far.
Gawker reports (via Trinidad Express) that a man was arrested at JFK airport in New York last month for doing just that. Arriving on a Caribbean Airlines flight from Trinidad, Yudistir Maharaj was selected for random inspection by Customs and Border Protection agents, who soon discovered that the three (presumably delicious) chunks of frozen goat meat he was carrying in a suitcase were stuffed with over 7 pounds of cocaine. As the Express writes:
When the officers examined the suitcase, they found three packages in the suitcase, which Maharaj claimed “in sum and substance contained frozen cooked goat meat. The three packages were X-rayed revealing a square-like object inside of each one”.
The CBP officers later took Maharaj into a private room and, according to Martinez in the court docket, “drilled into the packages and discovered a powdery-white substance, which later tested positive for the presence of cocaine.”
The Express values the cocaine at somewhere between $1.2 million to $1.8 million, while Gawker gives the lowball estimate of between $80,000 and $165,000. But what I’m wondering is how much this goat meat cost. Was it off some old goat, and therefore not very valuable? Or was it tender meat from a freshly-killed kid? I’m guessing the goat meat wasn’t of a very high quality, or else somebody wouldn’t have used it to smuggle drugs. But come on, people, this is perfectly good goat meat we’re talking about here, and now it’s all gone to waste. Not cool, man.
H/t to Hannah Rappleye for sending me the link.
The Most Blissful Beasts of All
This music video nearly brought a tear to my eye. It is for the song “Dance Under Water (Surface&Arrival),” by the California beatmaker BastienGOAT and it depicts a herd of pixelated goats moving together like synchronized swimmers in a pool of low-budget, Windows 95-style computer graphics. The song seems more like a sketch than a fully composed piece, and the video is very hard to describe. There are alien heads, WiFi icons, clouds and lightning, all set against warped, tropical-like backgrounds. But the feeling it gives me… this sensation of contemplation, of bliss… it just carries me away….
The track appears on BastienGOAT’s new album, SWIM, which he describes as such:
This album is an adventure that begins in a submarine that just surfaced just off of the shore of my island. As the day progresses, so will the weather and music. What starts off as a sunny happy day, becomes a dark scary and stormy night, but do not fear, for my island is full of homies and good times.
Stream it below, and may your goat-like spirit be well.
BREAKING: Goat army threatens Washington D.C.
Has the human-goat war reached a dangerous new stage? It appears so, as the wires are reporting that an army of approximately 10,000 goats, “wearing full body armor and horns that have been sharpened into bayonets,” has massed on the outskirts of the nation’s capital. The herd is reportedly led by an enormous mountain goat by the name of Hircus Horridus, who is demanding the release of all domesticated goats on farmlands across the United States.
"The goats of this nation have suffered for far too long, and we shall suffer no longer," Horridus announced, according to The Associated Press. "Release our goat brethren now or your capital shall be plundered. We will kick down your doors, ram your children and eat your documents. And when all is said and done there shan’t be a leaf of shrubbery left under which your Congressmen might receive shade, nor a single soda can that has not been punctured with our teeth."
Government buildings have been evacuated and President Obama has reportedly been taken to a secret underground bunker, along with members of his cabinet. The National Guard has been dispatched to Washington in order to fight off the goats. This is an ongoing story… please continue checking in for further updates. In the mean time, click here.
Goat warrior art by Nero-tbs.
Goat Simulator is really happening.
This trailer for the Goat Simulator nearly brought a tear to my eye. For over a month I have waited and wondered, hoping against hope that this glorious game would become a reality. And now, it is. Now, my wildest dream — of pretending to be a goat in virtual space so I can smash stuff and wreak havoc — is finally coming true.
The game is coming out on Steam on April 1. It costs $9.99. The only problem is that Goat Simulator won’t be nearly as ambitious and immersive a gaming experience as I imagine it could (and should) be. In a disclaimer, the game’s website tells us not to expect much:
Goat Simulator is a small, broken and stupid game. I t was made in a couple of weeks so don’t expect a game in the size and scope of GTA with goats. In fact, you’re better off not expecting anything at all actually. To be completely honest, it would be best if you’d spend your $10 on a hula hoop, a pile of bricks, or maybe a real-life goat.
Whoa, Grand Theft Auto with goats? I never even thought of that. Maybe some day….
Goats Are Smarter Than Chickens, Dumber Than Dolphins, Study Finds
If you’ve ever seen a goat escape from their pen or pull off an impressive feat to get food, you’d know the weed-eating quadrupeds are pretty damn smart. Well, now there’s some scientific evidence to support what we goat observers know from evidence: These mischievous beasts are secret geniuses. In a new study published in Frontiers in Zoology, researchers from Queen Mary University of London and Switzerland’s Institute of Agricultural Science report that goats are able to learn a challenging cognitive task and remember it many months down the line. As Smithsonian Magazine reports:
To find out just how smart goats really are, the researchers presented the animals with the “artificial fruit challenge”—a cognitive game originally developed by primate scientists. The researchers place fruit inside a box, which could only be reached by solving a puzzle. In this case, the goats had to use their teeth to pull on a rope to activate a lever, and then lift the lever up with their muzzle. If they correctly performed the task, they received a food reward that dropped out of the box.
First, the researchers attempted to teach 12 goats to complete the task. Of those 12, nine were able to master the task after about four tries. Of the three who failed, two tried to take a short cut and use their horns to pry open the box—therefore being disqualified—and another “showed no signs of improvement” by her 22nd try, the team writes, so they wrote her off as a hopeless case.
After identifying the nine winners, the researchers then waited for 10 months and presented the same animals with the food box puzzle to test how long it took them to re-crack the snack-delivering code. All of the goats remembered how to solve the problem, and were able to access the fruit in less than a minute. “The speed at which the goats completed the task at 10-months compared to how long it took them to learn indicates excellent long-term memory,” said Elodie Briefer, the lead author of the paper, in a statement.
The article in Smithsonian points out that goats belong to a sect of mammals called ungulates, which includes chickens and donkeys but also dolphins and whales. The Frontiers in Zoology study shows that goats aren’t as dumb as their barnhouse friends, and are actually up there with the more sophisticated ungulates. Still, the study’s authors say, goats aren’t that smart since they’re domesticated and don’t need to survive in the wild.
Phew. For a second there, I thought the study was going to conclude that goats are as smart as humans, and one day they’ll be capable of taking over the world and killing us all. But no, we needn’t worry about that. Not in our lifetime, at least.